hotcoal

I still don't feel like a Mum.

But at the same time I can't think how before Elian was here how I could have been happy.
When I had him it was like he filled a hole I didn't even know was there. And it's weird how now there is a part of me that is external. I spent my whole pregnancy wanting him out but now it's like the most important part of me isn't a part of me anymore and I have to try and keep up with him.

But, I still don't feel like a mum. A parent. I never really think about it I suppose but when I do or when I look at pictures of us or us in the mirror I think how i look more like his nanny than his mother. I guess I thought I'd feel different. Like suddenly start wearing ankle length skirts and over sized sweaters and stuff.. sorry cliche... but I don't know.

I can't imagine a time before Elian now either, and I sometimes wonder what Phil and I would be doing if we didn't have him, and if we would even be together. not that I think we've stayed together because of him but like would we still be doing the same things as we did before? ... The thought of that makes me sad though and it seems almost like it was pointless before. I mean, I miss going out more often and like having the freedom to just be like "Yes! I'll be there!" but when I think about being able to do that I DO feel like it would just be pointless and not fun but more a way to fill a hole temporarily. A hole Elian has now filled.

Does any of this make sense?

Anyways, I was just thinking about it all.