look who's laughing now that you've wasted, how many years, and you've barely even tasted, anything remotely close to everything you boasted about... look who's crying now.
You know the whole bad day thing? ...well I'd like to officially change that to bad week.
So bad that I'm not even sure I can do this anymore. This whole grown up thing of working 9-5,
weekends spent cleaning and gardening and doing the food shopping....
I lie to all of you, you know? And I lie to myself.
I'm not happy. Not here. I'm happy with my love life. I'm happy with my job perspectives.
But life? no. Actually it makes me pretty fucking depressed, and a day doesn't go by when I wonder
if it's all really worth it. I'm not talking about my life, because I'm not the suicidal type. I'm stronger than that, but I wonder if I'm making mistakes. and what scares me more than the mistakes is that i'm to afraid to do what it takes to change it.
I go on about being happy and free and in love and that I've come so far.. and yes. I've got a lot and I've worked to get it. but inside me? I still feel like the terrified 17 year old who wanted to go to England to make it better.
I'm lonely in england. I'll be real honest here, and this is hard for me because it in some was ashamed me. But I have no real friends here. and I have no social life. i know I've done it to myself, but I just can't bring myself t fit in here. I can't do the whole drinking until you fall over thing. And because of that I've made myself a loner.
I don't know what to do with my spare time except sit at home and wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't go out hardly ever, and when someone does manage to get me out of the house I start getting nervous and looking at my watch and wonder when I can go home, so I can curl up on the couch and loose myself in my depressing thoughts.
Weekends are the hardest. when I don't have work to distract me.
And this depresses me even more because I've become the one person I never wanted to be.
The bitter anti-social girl who puts on a fake smile so that no one will question her.
I feel like I've betrayed myself.
And I say I'm happy with my love life, and I am, I love him very much... But I wonder if it's right for me. I wonder if I shouldn't make him worry about me and I wonder if maybe I should just up and go back to America and tell nothing more than I'll see him soon. and that breaks my heart too..Because I don't want to leave him, But... maybe I'm letting him hold me down, I know he isn't holding me down, he's always encouraging me to go out and do something... But no, I'd rather curl up beside him because I'm scared to leave the security I feel when he's at my side.
I hate this country. It gave me my Independence and experience and it gave me Mijo...but it's like it took me into it's arms and now won't let go, and it's sucking the life out of me every time I walk down broad street and some british football hooligan yells in my ear, And it reminds me I'm alone when I see all the girls falling over each other drunkenly and giving me the dirty eye because I look like a tramp in my jeans and t-shirt. It won't let me go and just being here is depressing me even more.
And what really makes me cry is that... I don't know how to stop it.
- Imagining lightling striking.....
-
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hotcoal- August 6th, 2005
depressed
2005-08-06 04:58 pm (UTC)
I think it's important to realize sometimes that being in love can definately cloud our judgement of how the rest of our life is going. I remember being with Susy and being completely unfocused and forgetting about all my dreams and when we broke up being like "Man, what have I been doing with my time?". I think getting too involved in another person can be dangerous sometimes because you forget about yourself and then it's also just unfair to the other person.
I'm glad you said what you said about your job too, because altho' your job sounds great I've always thought "40+ hours a week can't be fun no matter how great the job is". That's why I quit Chilis, it was sucking up too much of my time and while having money is great it really doesn't matter at all if you're not pursuing your dream or have time to spend it (Or friends to spend it on!).
Although I do have to say the whole 'not wanting to drink until you fall down' thing isn't just a problem in England. Sometimes I've had a hard time finding a group of people that doesn't want to do more than just sit around and get stoned or drink. It's hard anywhere you go ... I've been very fortunate in my ability to find those kinds of people at The Riekes Center, Not Back To School Camp and in our friends in the bay area ... but otherwise everywhere else I've gone it's been pretty rough. ESPECIALLY in the resturant industry. That's partially why I decided to remove myself from that situation.
Anyways, just some thoughts I've had. Try your best to remember that every experiance is something to learn from, no matter how bad it is. I had a terrible time in Portland but I grew to love the city and my friends there and I learned a lot from it so I'd never take it back.
E-mail me or call me if you wanna talk about this or anything! I'm happy to offer advice, support or just listen.
Love,
Zen
2005-08-06 04:59 pm (UTC)
I'm here if you need to talk, sweetie. Don't forget that you do have friends, even if we're not on the right side of the pond with you.
2005-08-06 05:06 pm (UTC)
2005-08-06 05:11 pm (UTC)
2005-08-11 01:31 pm (UTC)
And just do it Mystical, do what will make you happy and I know you can.